Day #232 in A Year of Thanks:
I’m thankful for the song “When You Look Me in the Eyes” by the Jonas Brothers. 

I legit can’t even remember the last time I listened to a Jonas Brothers song, as I stopped playing their music a while ago, when they first disbanded. It popped up as a suggestion after I’d watched a video on YouTube with them and Jesse McCartney. I don’t get YouTube notifications on my phone since I’ve turned them off, but this particular video of JB and JMac somehow filtered through. I think it was because I’m a subscriber to JMac, as it was one of his videos. Anyway, I clicked on it and saw that their performance together was just recent with JMac’s song, Beautiful Soul (also one of my favorite songs, going all the way back to 2004). I wasn’t expecting the emotional impact the performance had on me, as it made me feel like I was coming full circle in my life, which feels like it was several lifetimes ago, considering all that life has thrown at me.

As mentioned above, after watching that JB/JMac performance, a JB video of one of their songs came up, When You Look Me in the Eyes. This song takes me all the way back to early 2008, when I was really struggling in my first official relationship. There were so many emotions and thoughts I was working through that I didn’t yet know how to truly express. I really did love the person I was with, and to this day, I’d fight tooth and nail for that man. I’d even give up my spot in Heaven for him, if only one of us was meant to go. He is and always will be one of the best, kindest, funniest, loyal, and gentlest men that I’ve ever had the honor of knowing, and I pray for nothing but the best for him and for the Lord to always be with him. However, I wasn’t anywhere near ready to be in a relationship due to what had happened to me earlier in my teens, which I was doing everything I could to bury and forget. It wasn’t something I was willing to talk about with anyone yet, so I’d internalized my struggles.

Well, one day in February 2008, out of pure boredom, I was channel-surfing on the television, and that’s when I came across this JB song, When You Look Me in the Eyes. I’d still flipped the channel, especially since it was on Disney, but that catchy tune immediately stole my attention. Not the words but the tune. I couldn’t ignore the tune, so I flipped back and watched the rest of the music video to listen to the words with the melody. I didn’t know what it was in that moment, but there was something about that song that really had me in awe. Even now, listening to that song brings me to tears in a way no other song does. So, I Googled JB to find out who they were, and I was shocked to discover they were a group of brothers and young Christian men wearing what I learned were purity rings. They seemed proud back then about waiting until marriage, and that instantly made me a fan, because I didn’t believe anyone in this day and age waited until marriage to have sex.

I tried communicating that I wanted to wait until marriage for sex, but that didn’t turn out well. Although I cared deeply for the person I was with at the time, our differing beliefs ultimately led to us going our separate ways due to the friction they caused. I was confronted by my family about the breakup, and when I explained my reasoning about wanting to wait until marriage before having sex, I was pulled into an unexpected fight, and I was persecuted for my faith. I was the only Christian in my family at the time, and I didn’t have anyone to turn to but a friend I had met online, whom I had spent some time with in Ohio in April of that year. When I realized she wasn’t available due to family stuff going on or whatever, I cried so hard in my room. I felt so, so alone.

Well, not too long after my private emotional breakdown, I had a dream. It was a dream of Jesus. It wasn’t a very long dream, but it was deeply significant. He was walking on a beach, carrying me in His arms, and He was looking deeply into my eyes with His own beautiful gaze. The light behind Him and around Him was the most magnificent, brightest light that I had ever seen. I believe it was part of His glorious appearing, or maybe the Father shining His glory behind Jesus. I’m not entirely sure, but I know I saw the face and eyes of Jesus so, so, so clearly. His gaze showed only love, warmth, affection, and gentleness. I felt protected and so at peace in His presence, but then I woke up.

I wish I could go back in time to tell my naïve nineteen-year-old self to hold on to Jesus and hold tight, but she walked in and out of church for quite a few years after that dream, trying to find herself in the world, trying to find someone she could prove her worth and value to. She wasn’t strong enough to realize that she already had someone in her corner who saw her beautiful, valuable, and precious enough to take her terrible place on the cross 2,000 years ago, so that she could believe in Him and have everlasting life with Him when she was ready to truly repent of her sins and come Home to Him.

I’ve learned a lot about sex over the years while having been in a few intimate relationships, hoping each time the end goal would be marriage, but that never happened. Instead, sexual sin did, and I fully repent of it. I tried the purity ring thing twice, and it was like the devil saw it as a special invitation to tempt me each time with a delicious treat, and each time I lost. I will never wear another purity ring again (I do occasionally wear a cheap, fake wedding band to deter unwanted attention from men when I’m out in public). But I’m a lot stronger now in my faith, and will also never have sex outside of marriage again. Sex is beautiful and sacred, and it’s too easy to cheapen it when marriage isn’t even in the picture.

I’ve found that every time I’ve had sex with a new partner, especially since it was always with someone I loved deeply, I’d given up a piece of my soul I’ll never get back, because it wasn’t being returned to me by a husband. I don’t know how else to explain it, but that’s genuinely how it feels. I’ve been celibate for a few years now, and I’m at the point that I legit don’t even want to be married or have sex again. I’ve lost count of how many nights I’ve spent privately grieving the dream of marriage and motherhood that I don’t have any tears left to give, so I’ve given it all up to Jesus. I trust in the Lord and the Lord alone, and if He wants to bless me with a husband and children, then it’ll be on His time, not mine, and it’ll be someone worth waiting for. Until then, I refuse to put myself back on the market. If I’m not meant for marriage and motherhood, then I’m good, because I’ve done my healing, and I’m totally at peace, knowing that all I need is Abba, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I haven’t listened to JB in so long that I can’t remember when I last heard any of their music, let alone When You Look Me in the Eyes. That song, though. Ever since I had that dream of Jesus, I’ve never been able to look at it the same way. It brings me to tears every time. I know this song was made as a love song, but it reminds me so much of when Jesus looked me in the eye in my dream, the love Jesus has for me. Once I’d stopped listening to their music a while ago, I somehow lost touch with how that song made me feel, but that’s okay. I shouldn’t need a song to remind me of who I am in the eyes of Jesus. All I have to do is look at the cross and know that I am loved deeply, unconditionally, and in a way the devil cannot destroy, because Jesus already won. After hearing this song for the first time today in what feels like a long time, I’m reminded of that beautiful dream of Jesus that I’ve since forgotten, and how it’s one of the many things that confirms the warmth, love, peace, and joy that come with my relationship with Jesus, because Jesus is love.

Day 231 | Day 232 | Day 233
Year of Thanks